


Our second goodbye

by StarCrossedArtist



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:15:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarCrossedArtist/pseuds/StarCrossedArtist
Summary: Jamie promised her wife that she´ll be okay. But living without her turns out to be a lot more crushing than she anticipated.Or: The one time Dani lets herself be seen by Jamie after she left.(Don't worry, nobody dies here)
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 11
Kudos: 192





	Our second goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Quick Disclaimer: I feel a little bit uneasy about this story, because it features an attempted suicide (nothing graphic, but still), and I don’t really like the idea of using something that serious and tragic for entertainment. However, this is how I would feel if I were Jamie, so I tried to write it as respectfully as I could. Any criticism is very welcome.
> 
> Also: English is still not my first language.

It’s been years. Five to be exact – five years of cold, agony-filled loneliness. Five years since her wife left to return to the lake. And she tried. She really tried. She tried to go on with the life they build for themselves, to hold on to the little pieces that reminded her of Dani. As much as she tried, she couldn’t keep the bitterness from slowly creeping into her heart. She often thought about how in the end, their fates weren’t all that different: The anguish that steadily crashed into her like violent waves of an angry ocean against a coastline, slowly but steadily washed away every trace of happiness and content that a decade with the love of her life brought her. Just like the water of the lake would eventually wash away Dani’s memories of them. 

Sometimes, laying alone in their bed, with her hand on the place were her wife used to sleep next to her, she wondered how much Dani still remembered. Does she remember their first conversation? And does she remember their first night together, warm, nervous hands travelling between their bodies? Or the day of the opening of their flower shop, the excitement of a new beginning? The promises of one more day, one more night spent loving each other. The content that can only be felt while sleeping next to the person you love. A warm, all consuming embrace after a busy day. The feeling of soft, loving lips meeting in a silent understanding. Does Dani still remember what their love felt like? 

For the gardener, their love is the one thing that no amount of pain can wash away, even when all the joy and laughter had already left her heart. She was convinced that the love they shared was one you encounter once in a lifetime, a feeling that withstands the boundaries of mortality and reason. And she desperately hoped that Dani felt the same.   
But life is merciless, and faced with enough pain, a hopeful thought is simply not enough anymore to keep moving. There comes a point where you’ve had enough. Enough nightmares, enough days spent alone, enough suffering. When enough time has passed, and your heart has been broken as often as hers, you find yourself in moments full of anger - usually in the middle of the night, on her knees and crying confused tears, cursing Dani. She curses her for being so stupidly selfless, for leaving her, for loving her so fully and fiercely. She curses her for never showing herself to her, although deep-down, she knows that she’s doing it to make things easier for her, to allow her to forget her. In moments like these, she screams her grief and heartbreak into the night, hoping to reach the woman that will forever remain the love of her life, and the love of whatever comes after life. 

At times, she feels guilty, since she promised her love that she would be ok. She knew that Dani was afraid, afraid of going back and terrified of leaving her behind. She reassured her then that she was worth all the heartbreak their inevitable separation will cause – and she meant that. Even now, broken by the never stopping feeling of missing her love, she still thinks that it was all worth it. Every minute, every second with Dani was worth it. But she also has to admit that she severely underestimated the anguish that Dani returning to Bly would bring over her. On most days, she doesn’t even live. She just functions. She wakes up, takes care of the shop, hastily tries to eat something, pretends to watch TV and goes back to bed, all while feeling either sadness or nothing at all. She knowns that this isn’t what Dani would want for her. And she feels guilty and angry at herself, because the woman that was the most important thing in her life sacrificed herself so that she could continue to walk this earth as nothing more than a sad shell of what she used to be. She often wishes that she could trade places with Dani. Maybe a life that looks like that, missing the most important part of it, isn’t worth living at all. 

It is exactly tonight, five years ago, that Dani left her. She never knows what to do on his day – while she still celebrates the day of their engagement and Dani’s birthday, this “anniversary” always leaves her feeling even more hollow. In recent years, she started to use this day to remember her wife. That’s how she finds herself sitting on the roof of her building, overlooking Vermont in the night. She tries to stick to happy memories at first, thinking of Dani’s smile and the way her beautiful blue eyes used to look with the morning sun dancing in them. But soon enough, the happy memories give away to the deep sadness that comes with the knowledge that she will never see those eyes again, never hear her laugh and make fun of her accent. The heaviness overcomes her again, all her demons once again overtaking her mind. Looking at the twinkling lights of the city through her tear-filled eyes, she makes up her mind. She is exhausted, and she’s had enough. Enough missing the love of her life, enough walking this horrible earth alone. 

She takes slow and unsteady steps towards the edge of the roof. She hopes that for once in her life, the universe will have mercy on her and reunite her with Dani after it’s done. She knows that her wife will very likely be extremely angry at her for what she’s about to do, but that’s still better than the life she has now. So she picks up her chin and continues walking.   
Just as she was about to take the last step to the very edge of the roof, she suddenly feels a resistance holding her back, one step away from the edge. It feels like two hands an her chest, softly pushing her back a couple steps, but looking down, she cant make out nothing. Looking back up, she is suddenly met with the most beautiful blue eyes in the world, filled with tears, but nevertheless breathtaking.

“Not yet, my love.” She looked exactly like she did when she saw her the last time, before she woke up alone. She looks like the nervous, smiley Au-Pair that waltzed into her life all those years ago.   
It’s sounds cliché, but she literally cant believe what she’s seeing. Dani walked them back a couple of meters, so that they are standing safely in the middle of the roof, her hands still on her gardeners chest. Slowly und unsure, Jamie lifts her shaking hands to rest an her wife’s hips, afraid that she is only an image produced by her broken mind, by wishful thinking. The Feeling of the flowy dresses fabric Dani is wearing is enough for her to know that she is really here. There is nothing her soul has craved more than to see and feel the touch of her wife one more time. Before her brain could even start to form any words, Dani spoke again: “Jamie, sweetheart, it’s not your time yet.”. She longed so long to hear that voice again. 

Instantly, all the things she wanted to say to Dani came rushing to her mind; “Why did you leave me alone”, “We could’ve had one more day”, “I love you”, “please stay” – but she couldn’t bring herself to say any of it. All she could say was “I-I cant Dani, I cant anymore. I cant do this alone anymore.” At that, Dani smiled sadly, sliding her hands from Jamie’s chest to her cheeks and pulling her into the softest kiss. A kiss so heartbreakingly sweet, filled with grief, sadness, tenderness and love. Eventually, Dani pulls away, but just enough to whisper against her love’s lips: “You were never alone, my love. I am always with you.” 

“Please, don’t leave me again. Take me with you, please-“ she was getting choked up by her tears, but Dani only shock her head: “You have to live, Jamie. When your time comes, I will be there, but for now, you have to live for the both of us. You remembering me is what makes me remember you, us. Allow me just this one, selfish wish – stay and keep me alive in your memories.” She brushed away the hairs that had fallen into Jamie’s face before adding, “don’t let our love be forgotten.” 

They just stood there, both soaking up the feeling of being in each others presence again. And Jamie knew in this moment, that she would stay and keep going, because she was never one to deny her wife. However, she had one more thing to say to her before she released her back int the night. “You know how I always said that everyday, I loved you a little bit more?” Dani smiled at the memory, “how could I forget, baby.” Wit a deep sigh, but with a smile, Jamie added: “I just want you know that it is still true. I still fall in love with you a little bit more, everyday.”

“I know. And I love you too - so, so much. I love you completely. And you do the same. The rest is confetti, my love.” 

And with a final kiss, Jamie released the love of her life into the night once again.


End file.
